If Words Can Kill

If words can kill, I already died now, but it doesn't have to mean that because its true that's why I'm a bit affected about those words thrown at me...Well, come to think of it, the words came from somebody I look up to. She's our Pastoral Leader in the community whom we have love for almost 6 years of our lives. It's the community that showed us even more how good God is and we are now actually leaving it now and for good.

Actually it wasn't her fault that we are leaving, she just actually help us to decide quickly about it. As you can see, before the day of this community's anniversary, we were thinking of searching for another community much nearer to our place and my husband already somehow informed his PL about it.

Then came this anniversary celebration, this particular gestures from members of the community that affected us so much, actually my husband did. It was such a petty gestures but enough for us to finally think of leaving the community gradually.

On the way home when my husband told me about it, I actually do not have any feeling or even any plans about leaving, I don't mind those sacrifices we made being always around whenever the community meets...distance is not an issue. There were far more issues even before that would be very apt to decide and leave community for good, but we did not do it, yet why only now?

Practical reasons, distance, tiredness, means, resources, energies, life-giving or meaning, probably are some of the possible reasons why we are on the verge of leaving this community, no more no less. It did not dawn on me, I wanted to grow old in the community and see my children grow here, but my husband sees it differently. Maybe he sees something beyond my eyes or my feelings can reach, that LNP is not for us and that's all and that's it.

But maybe the Lord did allow this to happen to finally help me see things clearly and probably help us decide finally through this minute issue to the point that I felt so hurt, so disappointed and so devastated.

Words do can kill, and I fond to say words say things to someone else even if its too personal, even out of tactlessness I would utter words, meaningful at times and senseless at times. But it did kill me, why, I did not know that those words I thrown out maybe carelessly or probably out of my (no as I realized wrong thing to do) need and desire to be obedient to the kind of life this community has thought me, we're thrown at me and was used against my favor much worse judged me and my husband so cruelly, for us to think that it was all along non-sense, meaningless and useless as to what we did in the community even before. We were just a sham, hypocrite and were so untrue and simply put we don't have to be in that community.

I was really hurt and I really decided not to go back there anymore, I have died because I was killed by words- words that I actually have spoken into. I'm wounded and I'm hurt.